Impasse.

I'm sitting in the office, on my swivel chair... at my desk...
It's messy, but I'm ok.

I think a guy's desk should be messy.. =P It shows that he isn't idling his life away...

It's really quiet here. Uber quiet. The trainees are asleep, all you hear is the low humming of the air conditioner. It's quiet tranquil actually.

Makes you think.

I've been thinking alot recently, which explains so many posts on my blog. People force me to think, even though I much prefer dreaming. Then again, nobody can dream for long without having to wake up to the nightmare which is reality.

Recently, I watched this show called, "Prayers for Bobby".
It's a show that really hits hard at what people actually believe, and it hits home to me.

It's about a boy called Bobby, who was brought up in a staunch christian family.
He goes to church, trusts in God in everything, believe with all his heart that what his preacher says is true.
He tried to live a normal life, tried to do everything as good and pleasing as God commanded in the bible. But he never really had the option to do everything as God commanded him to - he was gay.

He hated himself for being gay.
He forced himself to try to conform to what the church and his family sees as straight.
But in the end, he found himself sliding down a slippery slope.
He tried to turn to God and ask Him for help, "why would I choose the life which would tear apart the happiness of the people I love?".

God never answered that particular prayer.

Distraught and disillusioned, he tried to commit suicide. The first time he lost the courage to and his brother, thinking it would help him, told his problem to his mum who was a staunch christian. His mum, like most staunch christians, kept telling him it was a damnable sin, and that he would go to hell if he continued to be that way, because the bible said so.

In her ferver and belief that prayer could change her son, she kept on praying, day after day, and sought help after help.

Each "help" chipped away at her son's self-esteem, and soon Bobby begun questioning if his mum really loved him or was she doing it for her own sake.

Bobby's cousin who was more open minded had this in respond to, "Love the sinner, not the sin." - it was, "Love the person, whatever the sin."

Bobby tried to the end to trust in God again, but word after word roared out condemnation. He lost faith, he felt that he lost his family, and when the person he loved seemingly cheated on him, he felt he lost his heart.

The second time he attempted to commit suicide didn't fail.
...


I really cried very hard when I watched that show.
It's not that my family doesn't care. They care alot. But deep down, I know, they'll never ever accept me for who I am...
... God doesn't answer my questions to this topic, and he is always serenely calm whenever this topic is brought up.
... unlike almost every other request and questions I get.

Why?

My dad always compared me to his childhood condition which ravaged his legs.
He said, "I kept asking God why He did this to me. Why He gave me this condition, but in the end, it was the condition that led me to who I am today, and why I never gave up despite tough circumstances."

... I never ever told him that it was not a valid point, albeit slightly relevent.

If his illness was one which the bible said, "As one has polio (the illness), one must be cleansed or he will have a place reserved in hell."

then that would be appropriate. But no! That is not the case!

Homosexuality cannot be compared to an illness, at least for a Christian debate, because there is no illness in the bible that leads a person to hell!

...

I really am at an impasse here...

No one can answer my questions properly, and no one feels like they have the authority to.

If the bible is the only source I can turn to, then I'm condemned.
If the Holy Spirit should guide me, then He's silent.

...

I think Christians who seriously are against homosexuals totally, should take a look at the film "Prayers for Bobby". Then reconsider this - "Whenever you say a prayer, a child is listening."